“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10

Looking back at the life I once had, I realise now that it wasn’t a life I was proud of. Sometimes I look back and ask myself, Would this be someone else’s role model? And the answer is yes. But she wouldn’t have been mine.

There were so many things holding me back from becoming the woman I wanted to be, and one of the biggest things was that I wasn’t walking with God. When I wasn’t walking with God, I was drinking heavily, smoking, being lustful, prideful and gossiping. I sinned in so many ways that kept me further and further away from God.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have the occasional glass of wine. I know there are conversations about whether Christians can drink, and Scripture speaks about not becoming drunk. But I know myself. I know what happens when I start drinking, and I know the direction I can want to take it. So for me, this isn’t just about what I’m technically allowed to do. It’s about knowing myself well enough to recognise what can pull me away from where God is calling me.

After I got baptised, I knew there were things I needed to change — or should I say, things I needed to surrender to God. So I prayed about them every day. Because now I had experienced God’s love in a different way. I had experienced His peace. I had experienced a happiness that I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t want to keep living in a way that took me away from Him. I couldn’t afford to be apart from Him anymore.

But let me be honest. Every day, I still fall short. I’m not perfect. I still pray about it. I still have moments where I get things wrong. Following God hasn’t suddenly made me incapable of sinning. It has made me more aware of the things that separate me from Him and more willing to bring those things to Him.

And last week, I fell. And I fell badly. I couldn’t forgive myself. I prayed. I journalled. I talked to God. I could feel His forgiveness, but I was still punishing myself for what I had done.

I was ashamed. It felt like I had stolen from God. And honestly, in that moment, I felt like I had. But I was forgetting something: God’s forgiveness isn’t something I have to earn after I repent. It is something He freely gives. I had asked Him to forgive me, but I wasn’t allowing myself to receive the forgiveness.

Then I went to church on Sunday. My pastor was preaching about guilt and having your slate wiped clean. He asked if anyone needed prayer to be set free.

Immediately, I thought, If I go up there, people will know. They’ll know what I did. They’ll know I sinned so badly that I needed prayer. I didn’t want people to know.

But I felt the Holy Spirit give me a nudge: It’s okay.

So I stood up. I walked to the altar alongside another person, and I received mercy, grace and freedom.

The truth is, it had already been given to me. I just hadn’t received it. But that day, I did.

After the service, I danced. I laughed. I felt free. And I realised that God wasn’t standing over me waiting to punish me. He was inviting me back into His presence.

That is what purity means to me now. It isn’t pretending that I will never fall again. It isn’t believing that I am better than the woman I used to be. And it definitely isn’t trying to make myself worthy of God’s love.

It is surrender. It is recognising the things that pull me away from God and asking Him to help me let them go. It is allowing the Holy Spirit to change me from the inside out. It is repentance when I get it wrong. And it is learning to receive God’s grace instead of continuing to punish myself for something He has already forgiven.

Psalm 51:10 says, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

David didn’t ask God to pretend his mistakes never happened. He asked God to create something new within him.

And that’s my prayer too.

God, create in me a pure heart. Help me recognise what isn’t from You. Help me turn away from the things that keep me from You. Help me surrender the things I keep trying to hold onto. And when I fall, help me remember that I can come back to You.

So if you’ve ever felt like you messed up so badly that you can’t come back to God, I want you to know this: That is not the truth.

You haven’t sinned your way out of God’s love. You haven’t fallen too far for His grace. You don’t have to keep punishing yourself for something you have genuinely repented of.

God loves you more than you could ever imagine.

Come back. Receive His mercy. Receive His grace. Receive your freedom. And let Him create in you a pure heart.

I’m not perfect. I’m still becoming. But I’m becoming with Him.

Until the next chapter, Beloved.

— Alesia x