Luke 9:25
“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”

God could give you everything you’ve been praying for right now. But what would you do with the blessing if you weren’t prepared to carry it?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I believe this is the season I’m going through. I’ve been praying for my kingdom blessings to reflect in my life here on earth. That’s a big prayer to pray because you’re trusting God not only with what He gives you, but with the person you need to become to carry it.

Ever since I’ve prayed that prayer, I feel like my Father in Heaven has been lifting me higher. He’s changing the way I think and teaching me wisdom. He’s changing the way I dress and teaching me that I don’t need to seek attention from everyone — I want to carry myself in a way that attracts the right kind of attention. He’s changing my living space and creating an environment that feels more peaceful and centred. He’s changing my social circles and placing me around people who have similar goals, who want to build, create businesses and grow.

But here’s the thing… it didn’t happen overnight.

Before God could show me some of what I had been praying for, I had to face what was happening inside of me. The week before, I was really going through it. So much so that I didn’t even realise how low I had become.

I’m usually the person who tries to stay happy and positive no matter what is happening around me. But sometimes I think I use positivity to hide what I’m actually feeling. And eventually, it catches up with me.

That’s exactly what happened. I had spent the whole week holding everything in. I was frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted, but instead of bringing it to God, I started hiding my feelings from Him. And the more I hid, the further away I felt. I didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want encouragement. I didn’t even want worship.

But one thing I’ve learned is that the moment you don’t want to show up is sometimes the moment you need to show up the most.

So I went to church. I sang. I read the announcements. I was physically there, but my spirit wasn’t. Even before the service properly began, people could tell I wasn’t myself. I was closed off, quiet and sad.

And then my Pastor started singing.

The tears just started falling. I couldn’t stop them. It was almost like God opened the eyes of my heart and allowed me to feel Him again. All the pain I’d been carrying, the sleepless nights, the frustration and the emotions I’d been trying to push down — God had seen all of it. And I realised He wasn’t asking me to carry it anymore. He was asking me to surrender it.

Something that really touched me was that the very people I had been avoiding came up to me and hugged me. They surrounded me with love even when I hadn’t been very nice or open. That’s God.

I spent the whole service crying, but those tears weren’t weakness. They were release. I finally let out everything I had been holding in, and I walked away feeling free.

My Pastor, Roger Samuel, and First Lady encouraged me and fed me with the Word, and I’m so grateful for them. They’re walking through their own family loss, yet they still continue to show up for the church and pour into others. That reminded me of something: sometimes God sends people to hold you while He’s rebuilding you.

My heart is so full when I think about the love God has surrounded me with.

And now I’m beginning to understand something about the prayers I’ve been praying. I’ve been asking God to bless me, but maybe before He gives me everything I’ve asked for, He’s preparing me.

Because what good is gaining everything if I lose myself in the process? What good is having the blessing if I don’t have the wisdom to carry it? What good is building the life I’ve prayed for if I haven’t allowed God to build the woman who will live in it?

Maybe God isn’t breaking me. Maybe He’s moulding me.

He’s breaking down the things that no longer serve me. He’s changing my mindset. He’s teaching me wisdom. He’s changing what I desire. He’s showing me who I am. He’s teaching me how to surrender. He’s preparing me.

And I believe there is a reason for it.

Because I don’t just want God’s blessings. I want to be ready for them.

I don’t want to gain the world and lose myself. I want everything God has for me without losing the woman He’s called me to become.

So if this season feels uncomfortable, maybe that’s okay. Maybe the discomfort is part of the preparation. Maybe the breaking is part of the rebuilding. Maybe the pruning is making room for something new.

And maybe one day I’ll look back at this season and realise:

God wasn’t taking me apart. He was putting me together.

Until the next chapter, Beloved.

— Alesia x