1 Corinthians 3:6 “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.”

There have been many seeds God has given me, and I have planted them and waited to watch them grow, but nothing seemed to happen. That has left me searching, looking for my purpose and wondering, What’s next for me?

It has been hard watching everyone around me have a purpose, a gift that God has given them, while I’m still trying to figure mine out. I felt lost. I feel like when I was young, I was always searching for my purpose or wondering what was next for me because everything I was doing made sense for now, but didn’t always feel right.

I never thought I was smart enough, and I have always been told that. So, I started to believe that maybe I was better at the creative side of things. When I was little, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I used to make dresses and skirts out of old clothes, cutting them up and creating something new. Looking back, I think I was always searching for the things I was good at because I wanted to know where I belonged.

At one point, I was trying to be an actor, but every door seemed to close in my face. I started to believe I wasn’t good enough, so I quit. I then started working with children because I was good at interacting with them, and I could always get them to stop crying. I know it sounds silly, but I was searching. I was holding on to everything I knew I was good at.

After a while, working with children drained me. I couldn’t focus on myself because I was so locked into what I was doing that I couldn’t see what God had planned for me.

There was also a point in my life where I was in a relationship with someone who was not good for me. He treated me terribly, but I loved him — or at least, I thought I did. I became pregnant, and when I told him, he told me that he didn’t want the baby.

I was 21, and the thought of raising a child alone scared me. I didn’t want to raise a child alone, and I didn’t feel ready, so I made the decision to have an abortion.

I regretted it.

I carried so much shame and pain afterwards, and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I didn’t know how to explain what was going on inside of me, and I didn’t know what to say or how to feel.

That’s when I discovered journaling.

At first, I started writing to myself. It became a way for me to express the things I couldn’t say out loud and make sense of the feelings I didn’t understand. Then, somewhere along the way, I started writing to God.

I didn’t plan it. It just happened.

And that’s where it all started.

Journaling became the way I communicated what I couldn’t always say, and now, years later, that same form of expression has led me to blogging.

When blogging first came to mind, I wanted to do it, but I was afraid of telling my story and what everyone would think, including my family. That fear stopped me from doing it.

As I continued to seek the Lord and grow a deeper relationship with Him, I got baptised. A few months down the line, I met my church family and these incredible women who are rooted in Christ and serving in their ministry.

And yet, I was still searching for my purpose.

Praying. Crying. Asking God, “What is next for me?”

Then I came across Isaiah 55:11:

“So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire.”

When God speaks, His Word has purpose and produces results.

When I finally heard what my purpose was — to minister to people — I thought to myself, How?

I’m shy. I don’t always speak well. I always trip over my words. I was on the worship team, but I’m learning to find my voice and how to minister to people through worship.

At that point, I wasn’t as worried anymore because I knew what God had said to me.

Until one day, I was on the phone with my girls. We were talking about our kingdom movements, and again, I found myself searching.

Not because I didn’t know my purpose, but because I was trying to use the seeds that God had planted within me to help my friends. It wasn’t their version or their idea, so it didn’t always align with them.

I’m still trying to stay strong because I know what God said to me.

Then one of my friends mentioned blogging, and I thought, Wow, look at God working through my friends.

Then God gave me the concept to write using the themes of each book of the Bible to help me share my experiences and testimony.

I knew then that this was my “yes” from Him. My confirmation.

I started by finding a website, looking for names, creating a vision and trusting God to help me build the vision He had given me. I thought to myself, This is a project that will take time.

Then I received a phone call from a friend who told me to trust in God. He reminded me that God would give me the revelation to help me write and to help others. It wouldn’t be perfect, but I could always come back and keep improving it.

And that led me to write The Fear of New Beginnings.

Writing is the way I communicate with God when I have no words to say. I always have something to write to tell Him. It’s the purest form of me expressing how I feel, and that’s why this project feels so personal.

I want to be able to capture God’s goodness, love and mercy in the way I know best.

For some people, it’s worshipping, praying, or spending time with Him in the Word. But for me, writing feels peaceful.

And that’s how I know this is what I am meant to be doing, because God brings peace, not confusion or conflict.

Looking back, I realise that maybe I was never as lost as I thought I was.

Maybe God was planting seeds in me long before I understood what they were. The seed started growing long before I knew I was planting it.

The little girl cutting up old clothes and creating dresses. The young woman trying different paths because she didn’t believe she was smart enough. The woman who found journaling when she couldn’t find the words. The woman who started writing to God. The woman who found her voice through worship. And now, the woman sitting here creating this blog.

Maybe these were all seeds.

So when God plants a seed, lay it down, water it and watch God make it grow.

Don’t lose faith. Keep trusting Him.

Your time is coming.

I’m rooting for you, and I hope you are rooting for me too. 🤍

Until the next chapter, Beloved.

– Alesia x